I've been doing some real hard-core soul searching over the past few days. It's been terrible, but I can feel the freedom I've been longing for for so long. It's a slow process, with lots of ups and downs. I'm learning more about my true self and my heart than I thought I would. I've surprised myself, both pleasantly and negatively. I'm hoping for more of the positive surprises, but instead, I am becoming more aware of my need for a Savior. Phew.

My journal. Loves it! I'm a fan of journaling, so I do it often. This week, I made some tough lists and forced myself to be totally honest and take down all of my defenses as I wrote out these lists. One cluster of lists had to do with my passions and things I truly care about and long for. The first one in this category was things I am truly empassioned for and see evidenced in my life. The second list was things I am just not at all passionate about. It was liberating to see some of those items in my own writing. I am not passionate about [insert whatever topic here]! Goodbye, chains.

The third list was the hardest of the three, requiring true introspection and honesty: things I think I am passionate about or should be passionate about but truly am not. Ouch. I hate to say that this list was the longest of the 3. I sat on the floor in the living room really, desperately wanting to not have to write about half of those things down in that column, but my eyes were opened to my apathy and falseness. It hurt, but at the same time, I felt like I was finally telling the truth about myself. I don't think I live behind a melange of masks and facades, but this third list seemed to set me free. The part that hurt the most was that a majority of the things on this list were things that I try to appear to be on fire for. And I try because they are the "right" things and they are the expected. But I'm just not that way.

I have yet to confide these lists in another person. Heck, maybe I'm just fooling myself that nobody knows these things and I am the first person to realize it. Maybe it's so obvious that everyone around me can tell but nobody has held up a mirror to me and forced me to take a look. Eek, I hope not!

Three cheers for my computer working again! It's been down for over a month now, so all I've been bumming my roommate's computer this whole time. I'm glad to have my own that finally works like it is supposed to. Well, almost like it is supposed to.

Turns out, the little guy had over 5000 infected files from 6 different viruses. Megan said my cmopy was a whore, sleeping around and contracting CTDs. I have to agree. It was pretty bad; my hard drive had to be reformatted. Everything was trash and too virus-ridden to be saved except my My Documents folder. I now have a CD with that folder on it. I need to re-install Microsoft Office on to it now, all I can do as of right now is access te internet. Looks like I'll be spending some time infront of my screen this weekend. I'm sort of excited about reprogramming it. It gives me a sense of independence and accomplishment.

And I get to look for a new screensaver! I was getting tired of the changing Legolas theme. Hot as it was, it's time for a new one.

The biggest bummer is that I lost all of my music and pictures. Groan. Time to rebuild.

Moving on....

I've been listening to "You are Still Holy" by Rita Springer over the past few days. I can't get it out of my head. Nicole and I went to the prayer chapel downstairs and played it on the piano and sang really late one night. I loved it. I'm glad she can play. I wish I could play more.

I'm the only one in my suite tonight. Cole and Meg are at a retreat and Kalee went home for the weekend. I'm on duty so I have to stick around. It's so dead! The dorm is half-empty and nobody is doing anything fun. Ho hum. I've already cleaned the bathroom, washed all of our dirty dishes, and done 2 loads of laundry. I'm like a little housewife, except nobody is here but me. Look at me being all domesticated! :)

Speaking of domesticated, I really want to see my cat. I miss her.

Last night I went to Greentown to Mark's house, where I hung out with Mark, Ben, and Jeremy Weed. Great fun! I haven't seen those guys in weeks and I missed their goofiness. It was good for me to get off campus, even just for a few hours.

Andrew is coming tomorrow! Excitment lingers in the air. Yay, boyfriend!!

I got a 100% on my philosophy exam! Woo hoo!! I missed one question but got the bonus right, so it evened out. I knew I missed the question when I handed in my test. Upsetting? Eh, not too much. I couldn't remember the difference between pantheism and panentheism, and the definition he gave was not what I wrote down and studied, so I just picked between the two. For a moment, I was bummed that I didn't get a 101, but the moment quickly passed and I laughed at myself b/c I'm not usually perfectionistic. Nicole told me I could hang the test on or refrigerator as soon as he records the grades and passes them back. I wish I had one of those "Look what I did in school today!" magnets, but alas, all we have are those poetry magnets and a few random ones I got from the Taste of Marion freshman year.

Wowey, I am really rambling. I need human interraction. I've been by myself for the past 6 hours.

It's only the beginning of October and I'm already formulating my plans for the summer. I think I'm going to spend my summer break abroad, living with a missionary family. It's actually really cool how this has all come about, and if you want to know the story, just ask and I'll tell. But yeah, as of right now, I'm looking at spending my summer on the mission field.

I started filling out the application tonight. It makes me really anxious to think about leaving all of....this, but dang, how exciting! Of course, I don't know where I'd be going yet, but preferably somewhere that speaks Spanish. The potential to become fluent by submerging myself into an all-Spanish context is thrilling. I so desperately want to be fluent.

I'm still not positive that I'll get to go, but I'm feeling led to go somewhere this summer, so I am waiting on the Lord to open and close doors. At this point, I'll be really bummed if this doesn't work out. 3 months in a foreign country. Eek! BUT, if this is not what I am supposed to be doing, then so be it. I think Oswald Chambers said it best...

"If God gives a clear and emphatic realization to your soul of what He wants, do not try to keep yourself in that relationship by any particular method, but live a natural life of absolute dependence on Jesus Christ. Never try to live the life with God on any other line than God's line, and that line is absolute devotion to Him."

Easier said that done. But try we must, and try I will!

It's at times like this that I like to read and reread (and reread and reread) a prayer of Thomas Merton that I found and wrote in my Bible a few years ago:

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust You always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

I went a little deeper than I had originally intended, and as soon as I started typing this, my mind went several different places and I found myself wanting to write about theology and include quote after quote from ancient thinkers. Granted, Chambers and Merton aren't "ancient" but I passed on quotes from Aquinas and Augustine. So there you have it. This is what I've been contemplating for the past few days.

Oh, and tonight is Tea Tuesday in my room, so if you are at the WU and happen to read this: Kem 308 between 9:30 and 11. Free hot drinks (made by yours truly and the awesome ladies I live with. Meg works at Starbucks. We have flavored syrups and everything!) and snacks.

I didn't fall asleep until 5 this morning.

Lack of sleep leads one to do things one would not ordinarily do.

It's been a crazy day.

Last night, Nicole and I painted the town. Roommate Hottie Night was a blast! We got all dolled up (We looked really cute. We took lots of pictures of ourselves at various spots downtown. Pics will be posted soon.) and headed south.

I grew up on the northwest side of Indy, so I've spent my fair share of time downtown, meandering around on weekends, but I have never, EVER experienced it like it was last night. Craziness! I think half of the teenage/early college-age population of Indianapolis decided to spend a night on the town the same night that Cole and I did. It was packed! The guys were all pimped out and the ladies were definitely dressed to impress. I love to people-watch, so it was enjoyable to watch other people as we walked past.

Speaking of, I've never been hit on as many times as I was last night. You'd think that the people who talked to us had never seen blonde-haired white chicks before. I'm glad that I was with Nicole, though, because neither one of us are offended by that. We just giggled and kept walking, not giving the time of day to anyone except each other. One guy, though, did grab my arm and when I walked past. I just smiled at him and kept walking, he said, "Why you gotta play like that, woman? Come on!"

Talk about an ego boost.

Was that wrong of me? Should I have shot him with pepper spray? I think not.

Don't get me wrong, we definitely weren't out there trying to get people to look at us. Not at all. We weren't trying to be flirty and ostentatious. And we didn't dress up in hopes of attracting lots of attention, we just wanted to have a good time together. So we did, and it was so much fun!

....

I just re-read all of what I wrote and I think this entry makes me out to be a tramp. Crap. Ahh!! So please, my ever-loyal readers, don't think less of me.