I've been doing some real hard-core soul searching over the past few days. It's been terrible, but I can feel the freedom I've been longing for for so long. It's a slow process, with lots of ups and downs. I'm learning more about my true self and my heart than I thought I would. I've surprised myself, both pleasantly and negatively. I'm hoping for more of the positive surprises, but instead, I am becoming more aware of my need for a Savior. Phew.

My journal. Loves it! I'm a fan of journaling, so I do it often. This week, I made some tough lists and forced myself to be totally honest and take down all of my defenses as I wrote out these lists. One cluster of lists had to do with my passions and things I truly care about and long for. The first one in this category was things I am truly empassioned for and see evidenced in my life. The second list was things I am just not at all passionate about. It was liberating to see some of those items in my own writing. I am not passionate about [insert whatever topic here]! Goodbye, chains.

The third list was the hardest of the three, requiring true introspection and honesty: things I think I am passionate about or should be passionate about but truly am not. Ouch. I hate to say that this list was the longest of the 3. I sat on the floor in the living room really, desperately wanting to not have to write about half of those things down in that column, but my eyes were opened to my apathy and falseness. It hurt, but at the same time, I felt like I was finally telling the truth about myself. I don't think I live behind a melange of masks and facades, but this third list seemed to set me free. The part that hurt the most was that a majority of the things on this list were things that I try to appear to be on fire for. And I try because they are the "right" things and they are the expected. But I'm just not that way.

I have yet to confide these lists in another person. Heck, maybe I'm just fooling myself that nobody knows these things and I am the first person to realize it. Maybe it's so obvious that everyone around me can tell but nobody has held up a mirror to me and forced me to take a look. Eek, I hope not!