The past few days have been spent in a whirlwind of sweet bliss. From the somewhat easier-than-expected academic schedule (except for Latin American Studies, which is kicking my butt), to the late night chats with Angie and Amy, to the fun phone calls from my friend, this week is going really well.

I love Dr. Smith's class. He is great! I purposefully took my night class so I could have him as my prof. Last night, he started the class by asking a question. This same question, I am asking you, the blogger-reading masses: In the Christian life, which comes first, freedom or obedience? Hmm... He always has the best devotions. I remember leaving his classes last year just in awe of the things he thinks about. I want to be like him when I am older. Well, a female version of him, of course. He has a brilliant mind and I love pondering his questions when I am by myself.

I have been incredibly vulnerable this past week, as well. I've gotten to talk about a few of the things that have impacted me the most in my life, and I like it that, even though it's still a little scary to open up sometimes, I can do it now. Of course, some of the stuff I said, I didn't want to be saying, because it's hard stuff, but I know it's good for me. And for the relationships that are building. Thanks you, girls, for being so good to me (y las amores de mi vida).

My RA interview went pretty well. I won't find out until February 13, which is kind of a bummer. What a potentially devestating blow to Valentine's weekend (That was somewhat over-dramatic.). Not really, I suppose. I definitely won't be having a nervous breakdown if I don't get it, and my self-esteem isn't contingent on that position. Thank goodness. It'd still be fun, so we'll see.

I plan on playing Mall Madness on Saturday afternoon in the Student Center, if anyone wants to drop by for a rousing game. I hope those plans don't get changed. :(

I'm going to Jeremy's basketball game on Saturday night. I love going to his athletic events. I missed the last 4, which I kinda feel bad about, but the I stop and think, hey! I'm in college! I can't go home ever Friday and Saturday night! Dad gave me a hard time about it 2 weekends ago, and I got a little upset at him. I'm already looking forward to baseball season, I have to admit. I love sitting with Kalee in our chairs, eating sunflower seeds and spitting the shells on the ground. It's just not baseball season if we don't sit right behind the fence and share out sunflower seeds with Shaun Haus. My parents are there too, of course, but Kalee and I usually have a grand time. And then when the summer season at Highland park comes... bring it on! Those were some of the best times of the entire summer, outside of vacations and camp of course. Sometimes, we'd have a cheering section of about 15 of our friends, just sitting on those hard metal bleachers, having fun and making each other laugh. Sundae cones and cherry cokes all around. Brittany was living with us at that time and she'd always come too, but she doesn't know anything about baseball, so I'd tell her what to say and she'd shout it. So fun. Dang, I want summer all of a sudden.

Warning: the following post is actual, true, heart stuff. If you were looking for another random entry about the highlights of my day and the weird things I think about, don't read this. There is no humor and no satire. But no apologies for that.

This semester = new me. I have changed so much in the past few weeks it's not even funny. Literally days ago, I was afraid to share my real self, to let someone in on what was really going on inside of me and in my heart. I was afraid of vulnerability to the point that I pretty much ran from it (except in a few cases, when my friends, who really do know what is good for me, forced me to sit and spill. Thank you.) for fear of being let down after I shared my "stuff." I guess it all goes back to middle school and the first year or two of high school. No sad details, but I was crushed more times than I'd wish on anybody. But this is not meant to be a pity-party, so I won't dwell on that.

I don't know what happened or when it happened, but I'm not afraid anymore. I don't flee. It's just crazy to be able to say that! What is even crazier to me is that not many people really knew any of this was going on at all. Like, I have told people about it, and they're like, "What? You always seemed so normal and open." Yes, I was, but only to a point. But now, I'm not afraid to share my heart and what is truly going on. Of course, I haven't gone looking for chances to be incredibly vulnerable (where's the wisdom in that?!), but I'm ok with them when they come up. I feel like I'm letting myself talk. Like, talk when I usually would have kept quiet. Does this mean I'm not shy anymore? Haha, no. :) It's just such a release. Freedom. God is so good.

This is a huge thing for me, to WANT to tell people about my life and about my thoughts and my fears. I've never had much of a desire to do that before. I was burned (literally and fiiguratively. Mwahaha) too many times before. It stinks that it took, what, 5 or 6 years to get here? Dang, I guess I'm a slow mover. I just finally got to the point where I was so tired of being closed off and so tired of being afraid. last Wednesday at Summit, I told God I didn't want to be like that anymore. I didn't feel anything special, no goosebumps or magic shivers. I didn't realize it until I was talking to a friend a few days after Summit. It's gone. I'm afraid it might come back and I will rebuild my walls in an instant, but I don't forsee that happening anytime soon. YAY! To be so closed and afraid has big ramifications, too. I know I missed out on a lot.

My parents will be so proud of me when I tell them this.

Along those lines, I owe a massive thank you to Betsy, who has helped me with this more than anybody else.

And thanks to all of my awesome friends who have been by my side through the good times, and who have been even closer through the bad. Sorry that I kept (most of) you at arm's length for so long.

Thank you, Jesus, for my new-found freedom.

Sigh. That was good to write all of that. I guess I'm still reeling. I'm ok with that.

I have so much I want to say and express, but stink, online journals just aren't the place for that, I don't think. Maybe I'm just feeling overly sentimental. Or maybe it's my sudden girliness showing through. THAT idea makes me laugh. So I'm a "late bloomer"... so what?!

Janeen told me that if I were a hobbit, I'd be Esmerelda Loamsdown of Great Smials. Who knew? If I were an elf, it'd be Inwe Tur-Anion.

Me: I'd rather be an elf
Janeen: What do you mean, you'd rather be an elf?
Me: Because then I could marry legolas and make lots of elven babies.
Janeen: Or you could marry him and just have a couple elven babies, but get it plenty of "practice" time...
Me: I'm quoting all of this in my blog, just so you know. That one is definitely going to be in there.
Janeen: Ugh.

Speaking of marriages, I have decided to not be a witness at a courthouse wedding. I guess you could say I had a bad experience with that "last time."

I woke up in a strangely good mood this morning. I mean, I'm not usually a horrible grouch, but I think I might have woken up smiling. I know I fell asleep that way. So, I waited outside of the bathroom door for Noz to get out (because again, she was in the shower when my alarm clock went off) and scared her when she opened the door. Good morning, Nozomi!

I went home after my class. Dad and I were going to book flights and catch a movie. We ended up going out to lunch with Jeremy, who didn't have school today, then headed to his office for some hardcore ticket buying. But no, he didn't order any. I was a little bit frustrated. After all of my hard work-literally hours have been spent trying to find the lowest possible fares-he still wants to wait and see. What he'll be seeing when he waits is a major increase in ticket prices if he waits any longer, but hey, what do I know? I've only been following these stupid things for a few months. No, I'm not bitter. Besides my slight annoyance, it was a good afternoon. We didn't see a movie, by the way, as the only thing playing was Peter Pan, which I was ok with missing.

I'm really excited for this weekend. A few friends from home are coming to visit, and quite frankly, I am pumped. I'm not really sure who all is coming and when, but I do know that we will be playing Mall Madness like it's nobody's business. Sign me up for that.

I like the changes that are happening in my social life.

It's official. I am balding. Janeen pointed it out to me tonight when we were sitting around my living room. She said she was looking at me while I was sitting on the floor and she saw a lot of my scalp. So she suggested that I start wearing more headbands and make sure I consistently take that medicine. It's definitely not something I want to be told, but at least she's honest, right? So, thank you, Janeen Amber Moser, for your straightforwardness. I appreciate it. I might not ever talk to you again, but at least I know you're not afraid to tell me the truth. :) I'm kind of tired of talking about it, though. It tends to come up a lot in conversation nowadays. Like, I'm not THAT bothered by it, and it's fun to joke about sometimes, but still... it's my HAIR!! And it's slowly going away!! AAHHHH!!! Stupid Murdock genes. Grrrrr to everyone involved in that process.

On a lighter note, girls movie night was fun. We watched Rigoletto and A Walk to Remember. I seem to be finding myself watching that movie a lot now. I don't know what's happened to me, but I'm suddenly a crier. What the heck?! Ok, I'm not actually a CRIER crier. I'll probably never get to the point where I can cry on command. I sure hope not. Anyhoo, I cry a lot more at movies now than I ever have before (A Walk to Remember, Sense and Sensibility, LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING!!!). I'm also a lot more girly than I ever have been. Basically, I think I'm a late-bloomer? Hahaha.

My day was pretty unproductive. I didn't do much, except clean the bathroom. I tried to take a shower at 11:30, when I woke up, but there was no hot water. For $20,000 a year, the least they could do is keep up with the hot water demands. And provide good internet service. It's bad. I try not to complain too much, though. I've gotten so used to having my own private bathroom that I'd go crazy if I transfered to any other school that had communal showers. No, thank you. IWUers, we are so spoiled. And let's not complain about how "far" we have to walk to get from class to class. The longest walk is 7 minutes, from the 2nd floor of the Rec and Wellness Center to the Foreign Language building on Harmon Street. Come on!

Jennie and I decided to re-read The Babysitters Club books. We had such a fun time at dinner talking about them. I took an online quiz to test my BSC knowledge, and I got 8 out of 10 right. They were hard questions, too! Things that weren't talked about in the books much. For instance, everybody knows that Jessie's aunt who came to live with them was Cecilia, but did you know that Shannon spoke three languages (English, French, and Spanish)? And what were Logan's sibling's names? (Hunter and Kerry. Aw yeah.)? The more I think about those books, the less and less realistic they are. I mean, really, what 13 year old, 8th grade girl is fluent in 3 languages?! (There are many, MANY other weird things in those books that just don't happen in the lives of regular middle school students, but since I had already written about that, I decided to keep it pertinent.)

The quote in my last post really was from Andrew, by the way.

The ice on all the sidewalks today was way too much fun. I liked sliding on it.